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3 years later

 I fought with you thick and thin
Rode with your punches, left jabs and right hooks.
I've been knocked around and unconcious 
got the the battlewoounds to show and prove 
got the years of experience to display the heart of this champion
warriors rides

Tamika I love you .
I loved you since the day we had our first conversation
I've tried to say goodbye just to say hello
again.

And though we've beenn down this road before. And its been frightening and downright terrifying what we have seen and been through.
Love overrides and triumphs in victory.
Maybe I'm crazy
out of the loop and  downright insane
But I can't let you go if it is all the same.

And yeah we're a part. It sucks.
Gives me the fucking blues.
I want to show you the charming ,dashing man I can be.
And that I'm the man you've been waiting for to whisk you off your feet.
Like a fairy tale.. 
a dream come true
 
I want you baby
a forever and I do.

Its funny.
Love makes you do the whacky. But if its all the same.
I'm just whacky about you.
You make me laught
we share some crazy hella good times.
But no matter how much you make me mad
I'm love dunk on you
And I don't want it to become jaded

I want it to be passionate and make sense
I want to be done all these dumb games and lonely nights
Our memories, want to constantly reproduce
create new ones and cherish the old
I hate being without you and when you are gone

i don't want to say

I've got to have patience
since we both are ordinary human beings
we make mistakes 
and constantly try to repair 
we want to do better 
and be more than who we were yesterday

Yet we fall, but we learn to get back up
So yeah. Please forgive me.
I make fuck ups just like you
I might not understand

But I want to learn and grow with you have you as me as a commited life partner
So, Yeah I'm asking a lot
because I see it in you and us

That as two individuals we can make this work
The past is the past let it be
I promise to let you know that we can do this
We can have a dream come true

Walk with me
so we can learn to show each other new things
to new heights
I love you
I want to make love to you for as long as I'm on this earth
Maybe you've been through a lot. 
Shit happens
I don't know because you don't talk to me.
But if you let me in and let me be able to help you.
we can learn to move mountains together

Life is too short to let this go just like that
I know your crazy. I am just the same.

So why don't you let me in to hold you today.

I am King Leo

 I was reading about my Leo astroloogy profile.
And what I found out  perfected me cross the lines dotted the i's to the T. Interesting. Hmmm....
I guess, I'm understanding my human nature and the dynamic complex relationships that I encounter. All and all its quite fucking hilarious. I have to find the funny in this otherwise I just get too fucking temperamental. Hahaha.

All the shit that I go through with Tamika isn't because we hate each other, its becauseit is in our human nature. HAHAHA!

I miss you baby. Lots! And the funny thing is I'm waiting for your return,. Will you? I don't know. But I do want you a part of my life.  But I guess, this is the time for us to be apart because if you were suppose to be in my life right now, you would be.  So, one step at a time, one day at a time. 

Its time to self improve and get on with life. 
I love you Pork Chop and one day we will get it. Without a doubt.

Heh

So, I know I'm far from perfect. But I do constantly struggle to self improve. Theres nothing wrong with letting your imperfections show. It shows that your human. I can walk like a man, but I am not one. I take hormones to be me. And that is exactly how god made me. I'm to come out this way. I'm only natural. I don't like to fuck up but yes I do make mistakes. I try to improve that way I don't end up in the same lousy fucked up situations as before. As I am learning now.

Heh...

Yesterday, I got a blessing from a guy at work. We talked, we shared our insights on life and what of it. But yeah, he has bi- polar do and I'm currently questioning if I do too. we talked about how no one is perfect. And the pretty much the simplicity of life is just understanding our interactions is simply the nature of humanity aka human nature. Why the way we are is because there is an origin. We all have a story. All of us are walking stories.

I'll go through some that I have encountered in my travels. My former best friend godparents they are probably in there early 60's or so homebodies, philadelphia natives that have escaped from the bitter city life to the rural simplistic life of Virginia. How did they get there? Or Mr. and Mrs. V, Mr. V has to go to dialysis and Mrs. V is by his side caring for him on those days, a generous act, he ha brain damage, he calls his wife and tells her that he loves her whenever he is loaded in the ambulance. Next, Mrs L. and Mr. L. MrL. makes sure his wife is boarded on the ambulance and waits for her return. But you know what I don't know what the other side of the story is. I may just see this side and think things are okay in all aspects when its not. We all struggle. We all are trying ti make it in this world. I just don't see it.  

I'm trying to make it just like the rest. I'm trying to establish myself in this big bad world just like the rest. I'm not trying to compete. Not trying to fuck around just trying to get to that destination , a place called happiness. The more I see the true faces of people, places, and things,  the more I just want to keep it simple.

Im trying to make it. Just like everybody else. I'm trying to make it count. Every moment matters. What I do , I cherish. The problems aren't going to stop coming. They get bigger and harder. I'm going to keep on fighting man. Its what I have to do. I'm going to cry, yell, scream and all that. But I'm not going to stop because I refuse to let somebody, some authority to tell me what I do is fucking wrong. I'm a free soul. I roam wherever I may go.  I value what I do because it matters to me. I'm passionate man. This existing to exist is a waste of time. If I got a love of my life out there, sure as fuck I'm going to fight for her till my last dying breath. Because what I see is gold. What I do, is the truth to me!

I'm going to go through it. Impossible is nothing to me. I set my aim to to stars and past them. I'm going to make it man. I'm going to have my damn day. Its the journey I choose to take. I'm going to have my family , I'm going to have my rock star wife Tamika. We're going to go through it. We're going to have our day man. Its a struggle, a fight, a nasty brawl. Sure I've lost some rounds, but I'm going to do what I have to do, to get the shit done. I'm going to make it. I'm going to have it. Its my dream. 

Its hard out here. Life is what you make it. I've got things I'm grappling with, but I'm learning. I'm going to make better decisions. I'm going to make this world mine. I'm taking back my life. I've come to a turning point and make this gold a gem, a worldly wonder. This world is mine, my world is gold. 

What matters the most is that I go back to basics and remind myself what I go home to, I'm going to find balance and peace in all things, there is no rush. Time is on my side. I'm going to learn from my mistakes and find a way to make it work. Just because it didn't work in that route doesn't mean that there aren't alternate ways. I'm going to get it. Because I'm learning. I'm not going to stop.

Well

 Tamika and I broke up for the fourteenth time.

Honestly, What the fuck. I'm losing my mind. She's my puzzle. But I just don't get it.

Shout out to the cops that wanted to be dickheads and give me 3 - $119.50 tickets because your bored with your fucking lives. Philly cops are lames, douches and I just can't wait to get out of the city. City life = bullshit stress.

Back to Tamika-

We've been doing this dance for 3 years now. Tonight , she told me that she wasn't coming back to me. I didn't know what to feel. I know as of late I have been moody, grumpy and displaced because I'm fucking cranky that I can't have her body next to mine at night. Well, the latest events isn't going to get her any closer to me now. But, thats just not the case.

She's so fuckable when she's mad. I mean, I really don't know what it is but its a turn on getting her mad. Maybe, I like to see her passionate about me, I guess. And then that route always leads me to this end. So, getting her mad, isn't the route to take to get her to be passionate for me. Thats what I've been trying to do all this time. i want her to lust after me just like how I am with her.

However, this doesn't work.

I miss how we were. Before all the madness. We used to be energetic, adventurous, loving, caring, positive, sparks, just pure passion. No matter what we did, where we went, it was magic in the making. It was fun, heartfelt. Now, its a fucking task. The bitch hates my fucking guts, And I'm always irritated and aggravated by her or the kids. But now man, i'm glad we have this time apart because it was negative. 

We got to the point where we fucked and fight. Before, it wasn't like that. Man , I used to have her panties off in seconds. She was just giving me her pussy. We had sessions, late night passionate sessions that lasted for hours and I woke up in a daze. I mean before we argued than was able to fuck out our aggression, Sex was our therapy. 

Now, sex still was our therapy but it was a different attachment. Like negative and displaced. I wanted to fuck her. i still do. But there were a lot of factors to this. 2 different situations. Before, she had her own place and I was visiting when i could, We were able to venture out without so many stipulations against us, the kids, our families,work, school. It was like , we had our own individual lives that we did first then we spent time together. We had more patience with each other too. 

We rushed a lot of things. Rushing gets you nowhere. Why the fuck didn't I have that in my head. But its okay. What I'm going through right now is a growing pain. And I'm ready to mature, learn from my mistakes, and improve to make better choices. I'm going to figure out this puzzle because I believe in second chances.

I'm going to use this time to get myself back on my own 2 feet. I'm going to mature into the adult male that I am and live out my dreams. No one is stopping me. Impossible is possible to me. So , even though she said she wasn't coming back to me. I beg to differ, times are changing. I've changed and so has she. So, there is a time for us to reconcile and rekindle our romance, but its just not now. 

Now is the time to learn from the mistakes that we made before so that we don't keep repeating the same mistakes.

I know I'm not the perfect person on these hormones. And I've been very aggressive. I've been short tempered and arguementive and difficult to be around. But its not like I was going to choke her. But the way I have been treating her, hasn't been right. I've called her out her name plenty of times. 

But its not like she hasn't done the same to me. She used to fuck with my emotions bad. I mean bad. Tamika is a certified bitch if she doesn't get her way. And I know I can be stamped the same now that I've been changing. I've told her off so many times. I know I'm an asshole. I pick fights with her so that she gets it. I'm wrong for that. Totally. 

One thing I am greatful for is that I haven't resorted to smoking and drinking since we've had our fights. Before it used to be bad. I would drink be in a bad stupor and depressed. Now , I voice my feelings and I've never felt better. Emotions drive me in the direction that I want, motivates me. If I drink or smoke myself into oblivion, I don't know how to feel.  So , I am thankful for that change. And i see that in Tamika. Before, she would bottle her anger in and explode. Now she voices her emotions, she even lets me see her cry. Its the cutest fucking thing. Times are changing man. So I can be hopeful for that.

And I've been accepted to her family, They know about our fights, well wars.Tamika knows i love her.I don't know if she loves me the same way. I think she hates me because I've been giving her grief. We've been fighting way too much. I can't believe it got to this point. Time flies so fast. I mean we were just getting back together and laughing and enjoying time together. Then BAM! right back to cuthroat.  i think she still loves me. 

This is why.

She saw that Elijah favors me. I miss the dude. And I bet, if I asked her to, she would let elijah hang with me for the day.Kayla and Isaiah don't like it when Tamika and I fight. Hell I don't either. But Kayla wore my eagles jersey so that means she wants me around only if I treat her mom right just like Isaiah. But man its not an easy task. Relationships are hard enough. Why make it harder than it has to be. Learn from the past mistakes and move on.

Tamika came out to the porch when I brought her stuff to her and she spoke to me. I know Tamika if she didn't want to talk to me she would've slammed the door in my face. Isaiah and Kayla were nosey, I think that they want us back together. Plus, for the first time, we didn't fist fight although I don't let it get to that point and I wasn't drunk so I'm automatically in a better mood than before. so cheers for improvement. Things are looking up.

Anyway, What was I saying?

Oh yea, Tamika wants me bad. After we have a heated arguement I want to fuck. So I most def had my 'Iwannafuckyouhard' look . Tamika was so holding back. Plus when I got close to her she just wanted her space. Tamika wanted to fuck she was just pissed at me. I stared her down. Plus its a turn-on for me when she walks away from me and I get her back, because it shows that she does submits to me. No matter how head strong she is. 

Wow. What the fuck. What a realization.

Touche. Hahaha.

Wow.

The truth comes out in writing. I really should work on my patience. It does fucking pay off. And I can easily avoid migraine situations. But its hard to see that when I'm the first pov going through it, plus pretty much Tamika and I need to avoid pissing each other off. Instead of being po'd maybe lower it couple notches down and just deal with the little disagreements we have. Anger in our relationship creates chaos. But the disagreements we can talk over and get over. We both have 2 strong personalities. White flags have to be thrown at some point because it would be an ongoing war, when it doesn't have to be that way.

Plus. I don't want to be with anyone else. Although right now we have to separate because we are lousy with each other right now.And the only reason I mention seeing other people is because i want to remind myself what it was like to fall in love with her again.I want her to be in love with me again. Fall over, tripping , stuttering over her speech love, passionate fury. all that good stuff.

Tamika and I have a coomplicated history past relationship but we can make it. I found out what she was feeling. She's mad at me because she wants me to get over myself. Tamika loves me she's just pissed off at me. 
Give it time. Give it time. 

Plus Tonne likes me. even though I'm a bit skeptical about her at times. And I believe Tonne would put in a good word for me. Hopefully. Anyway do good things. Good things happen. Universal karmic law.

Well, I need karma to be in my favor so i can have my baby back in my arms soon

Goodnite Journal and godbless

One day

I'm going to have my comeuppance
Its going to be my day for me to shine my lights bright and clear. I'm going to make it.
I've declared myself forgiven.

I'm using my intelligence to better myself on higher grounds. Sick of the games of these lames! I love myself. And for the love I have for myself, I most definitely deserve better, greater, higher. I keep on dumbing myself down thinking this is what I can get. But I know me. I know me so well. 

The love I have for myself should be expressed the same way I have for another and graciously in return. So fuck my ex , all her glory and all of her problems.. I've stood by her from thick, thicker, and thickest. And I've got nothing but bullshit . Bullshit responses, bullshit explanations, bullshit pains just bullshit in general. I've held my head up high, higher than most. And if she simply can't see, can't have the simple decency to ask me, care for me and love me, the way I love her.

Than she can go fuck herself.
I am king because I'm a leo

Energy

Inner chi.
Life essence.
Vital force.
Energy.

I get restless. I'm the type of person that needs to be active in the interests that I'm into. Like for example, I like to play basketball. I am passionate for that sport. I know the ins and outs. And when I stop playing basketball in which I have committed 13 years to, I got depressed.

I felt I wasnt able to function because that was all I knew and did well functioning. It was my drug.  If I didn't have basketball, who knows what trouble I would get myself into. Or would I even be alive today.  I am very fortunate and grateful to have had that experience under my belt.


So here is my platform: children need direction in the right direction.  If we as a people don't make a collective effort to make resources, outlets for the children's' needs and attention this will continue to be an ongoing war between the youth and adults. Unnecessary.

Put aside the american dream. Garbage monetary gains. Ordinary people can become heroes. All we have to do is start somehwere. Most of the problems that exist in the world state of affairs is because we as humankind have created them. Some have been history repeating itself, which is the improper handling of correcting our own curses.

Believe in the idea that we can make this world a better place.

If one person struggles, we all struggle.

Well

 

I'm totally and completely in awe of my significant other. Its hard to believe of the days where she is right there in front of me. Moments in which I'm holding her in my arms or I where I can hear her voice over the phone. I know we've been through a lot. And we have so much in front of us to go ahead. Still, it is the adventure in the experience, magic in the memories that we share that I truly enjoy and cherish in my heart.

Well...

As time goes forward flowing into the continuum, seconds,minutes, hours, days,months and years. Times will change. People will change. We will have our agents of change that evolve our selves. I'm just honored to have this experience with her again. I know we've had our share of ups and downs, crashes and burns. Nonetheless, regardless, 

I love you.

I know I might not say it enough. There will be days when I forget. Days when I don't get to see you or we just won't speak. We might have a bad fight turn ugly. Or worse. The kids might get the best of us. Our age might sicken us with senile. Cranky days. Rude nights, Bitter moments. And many episodes of irrationality. I just want you to know. 

I love you.

I hope for us the best. A bright , endless, adventure and opportunity, I love you from my heart. 10 years, 20 years , 30 years so may we have it, but I'm grateful of what we have now and what is to offer.  You are a worldly wonder, beautiful in heart and mind.

The dreaming doesn't stop when your young

As a child I could never stop dreaming. My whole world existed on imagination. The idea to envision a concept and make it your reality is grounds alone that all of us are unique. 

Imagination is key.

Then over the years dreaming, imagining became uncool. I had to face reality and not my dream world. I found out that in this uncomforting and daunting world that imagination couldn't be allowed. Dreamers was for the birds. 

And that is not true.
A false statement.

I have a dream that I could heal the wounds of peoples past hurts that I could give enough love so that they could move on and breathe. The people i encounter today have no beliefs , have no faith let alone dream.

I can believe it.

We get caught up into everyday thinking , everyday logic. Its hard to see past the next hours let alone future. Bills, Cars, Celebrties, current sate affairs of the world, stress, family life. When I was young, I was encouraged to dream, to make a difference, to set my heart alone on the efforts to be my unique self. Its hard to breathe let alone believe nowadays. 

Who can we look to as an examples. The best leadership is by example.
I cannot stress that enough.

As a former basketball player, I looked to the playing styles of Michael Jordon, Jason Williams, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter to influence my game. I followed them on and off the court. Because they were my respective role models.

As a music enthusiast, I fell for Jamiroquai, Metallica, The Roots, early on. My heroes in the wrestling world were Brett "The Hitman" Hart, Hulk Hogan, Dean Malenko, Diesel, Taz , Razor Ramone and so on.
Tiger Woods, Venus and Serena Williams
Football: Barry Sanders and Donovan McNabb
Rollerblading: Nick Riggle and Fabiola Da Silva.
Olympic athletes: Marion Jones and Michael Phelps

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Quantum Leap, 

Role Models and Role Influencer were agents of change in my process of thinking. I grew up as these people, places, things as my favorites. My treasured emblems. But things change. People change. Times changes.

But these people dont. 

I remember these people in their hey day. When everything was solid and gold. Its hard to believe my heroes have gone away since it was only been 10 years since I last saw them visible to me. Music isn't the same. Rightfully so its the way of the cosmic joke of the universe. My heroes don't change they are just re birthed.

I'm no kid anymore. And yet I cannot hold any exception to having defining heroes today into the future. All I ask is for we as a people to take a personal responsibility a personal respect and personal obligation to our past selves our present selves and future selves to believe in heroics and little miracles by just doing the right thing. Because while we were younger I wouldn't expect that from my heroes and I'm sure as fans our heroes wouldn't expect that from us.

Our heroes may have faults but understand true whole heartedly where their core authentic self results from.The smallest detail makes a difference. Minor effects major. Change will continue to come.

All I ask is to follow these ideals:

Follow your heart, follow your dreams,
Never give up
Believe  in your faith regardless of any  circumstance. Never let your faith falter.
Be your best self for your past, present and future,
Don't let anyone tell you how to live , you are the best expert of your self.
Always continue to hope and dream because you are closer to your goal than you like to think.
Fear no one and no thing, it is a disabler.
Love yourself. Love another.

Thank you. Peace and Blessings.

Don't take them away from me

Don't take them away from me

Please, I beg mercy
Please I pray on my knees
With an open heart
Hoping
Help them
Guide them
Because this heart of mine can only do so much
If I could I would fight there addictions
Fight they're personal demons and battles of the conflict within
I blast them with the weaponry of love and peace in their heart
Because they lost the love for themselves and seek
A false affection diluted in delusions of misery hate and destruction
God please help them
Show them the way
My tears and heartbreak isn't enough
Please don't take them away from me
Losing them is losing a part of me
Dont take the past I had with them
Don't take that present I share with them
don't take the future I can create with them
It's all I got .

Memories - Our first date

After talking to each other for a few months. Dodging each other's presence to see each other. There was a big hype to see each other face to face. Who knew not seeing one another would make an exciting meeting. And I wasn't let down either.

We we converse to each other during the day , throughout the day  and to the evening, falling asleep right on the phone hearing each other snoring. That's how I got an $800 dollar phone bill. Maybe that was an earlier sign that I knew you were going to be costly. Costing me a whole lot... haha.

Regardless.
We still had a burning need to meet. Our phone convos were just an initial , teasing invite to each other's lives. And you were such a tease. Still are to the present. Its intoxicating. A drunk feeling that I couldn't ignore. Feeling sucked in , not trapped moreso enthralled, invited to your presence. I know we talked a lot. But , there was more to talk about on an upfront, deeper, intimate level face to face to say.

Maybe, I fell in love with you over the phone at the sound of your voice. Nah, I think I fell when you spoke of your daughter and how honest and humble when you said you couldn't provide for her as you cried and tried to pull away from me over the phone.

Don't you see the connection, that even then we developed early in our courtship?
Babe, i couldn't let you go. Not even if I wanted. 
I wanted to protect you then, secure you in my cloak from the hurts and pains.
But you were already strong. 
I just wanted to give you strength so I could push you forward. 
Not for me to use, but for me to give.

I know your not mines now. But to me, thats the only way I can talk about you because at one time you were and even in the present, you are.

So..
we had our little countdown to the very day that I was to pick you up. I remember it clearly, because when I went to the bank, I ran into a former classmate of mine. I drove excitedly, happily and nervous to your grandmas place. I had the Budos band playing in the car. I had arrived at your place and called you up to let you know I was here.

The moment you stepped out the front door, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You were beautiful. I know we made an agreement so that you were not to wear a dress for a reason. And I was forever thankful becasue we were not going to make through the date. I saw your oldest at the door smiling for you. I was in complete awe as you walked down the stairs, and to the passenger side to get in.

Looking so pretty in a pair of jeans and white shirt. As soon as you got in, I reverted my eyes away from you. It was as if you changed me into a teenage boy.  I couldn't look at you. It was all too real to grasp.
I had a date.
Check.
Pretty woman
Check.
Ability to communicate
Gone.
Capable functioning
Needs assistance.


You sat there smiling in all your glory while I sat there flabbergasted, mumbling, gibberish- gone.
Haha.

Its like you didn't see yourself from my position, through my eyes. A worldly wonder. An emobodied beauty in sight.

Wow.

That was my first date experience with you.
Just that.

So I drive off and you question me a concern.
"Whats wrong?'
"Uh.  Nothing" 'You are too beautiful.' 
"Then, why won't you look at me"
" I can't"

I feel your touch. That alone sparks a jerk in the vehicle motion

'please don't touch me'
You  touch my hair. My white boy hair do.