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 Tamika and I broke up for the fourteenth time.

Honestly, What the fuck. I'm losing my mind. She's my puzzle. But I just don't get it.

Shout out to the cops that wanted to be dickheads and give me 3 - $119.50 tickets because your bored with your fucking lives. Philly cops are lames, douches and I just can't wait to get out of the city. City life = bullshit stress.

Back to Tamika-

We've been doing this dance for 3 years now. Tonight , she told me that she wasn't coming back to me. I didn't know what to feel. I know as of late I have been moody, grumpy and displaced because I'm fucking cranky that I can't have her body next to mine at night. Well, the latest events isn't going to get her any closer to me now. But, thats just not the case.

She's so fuckable when she's mad. I mean, I really don't know what it is but its a turn on getting her mad. Maybe, I like to see her passionate about me, I guess. And then that route always leads me to this end. So, getting her mad, isn't the route to take to get her to be passionate for me. Thats what I've been trying to do all this time. i want her to lust after me just like how I am with her.

However, this doesn't work.

I miss how we were. Before all the madness. We used to be energetic, adventurous, loving, caring, positive, sparks, just pure passion. No matter what we did, where we went, it was magic in the making. It was fun, heartfelt. Now, its a fucking task. The bitch hates my fucking guts, And I'm always irritated and aggravated by her or the kids. But now man, i'm glad we have this time apart because it was negative. 

We got to the point where we fucked and fight. Before, it wasn't like that. Man , I used to have her panties off in seconds. She was just giving me her pussy. We had sessions, late night passionate sessions that lasted for hours and I woke up in a daze. I mean before we argued than was able to fuck out our aggression, Sex was our therapy. 

Now, sex still was our therapy but it was a different attachment. Like negative and displaced. I wanted to fuck her. i still do. But there were a lot of factors to this. 2 different situations. Before, she had her own place and I was visiting when i could, We were able to venture out without so many stipulations against us, the kids, our families,work, school. It was like , we had our own individual lives that we did first then we spent time together. We had more patience with each other too. 

We rushed a lot of things. Rushing gets you nowhere. Why the fuck didn't I have that in my head. But its okay. What I'm going through right now is a growing pain. And I'm ready to mature, learn from my mistakes, and improve to make better choices. I'm going to figure out this puzzle because I believe in second chances.

I'm going to use this time to get myself back on my own 2 feet. I'm going to mature into the adult male that I am and live out my dreams. No one is stopping me. Impossible is possible to me. So , even though she said she wasn't coming back to me. I beg to differ, times are changing. I've changed and so has she. So, there is a time for us to reconcile and rekindle our romance, but its just not now. 

Now is the time to learn from the mistakes that we made before so that we don't keep repeating the same mistakes.

I know I'm not the perfect person on these hormones. And I've been very aggressive. I've been short tempered and arguementive and difficult to be around. But its not like I was going to choke her. But the way I have been treating her, hasn't been right. I've called her out her name plenty of times. 

But its not like she hasn't done the same to me. She used to fuck with my emotions bad. I mean bad. Tamika is a certified bitch if she doesn't get her way. And I know I can be stamped the same now that I've been changing. I've told her off so many times. I know I'm an asshole. I pick fights with her so that she gets it. I'm wrong for that. Totally. 

One thing I am greatful for is that I haven't resorted to smoking and drinking since we've had our fights. Before it used to be bad. I would drink be in a bad stupor and depressed. Now , I voice my feelings and I've never felt better. Emotions drive me in the direction that I want, motivates me. If I drink or smoke myself into oblivion, I don't know how to feel.  So , I am thankful for that change. And i see that in Tamika. Before, she would bottle her anger in and explode. Now she voices her emotions, she even lets me see her cry. Its the cutest fucking thing. Times are changing man. So I can be hopeful for that.

And I've been accepted to her family, They know about our fights, well wars.Tamika knows i love her.I don't know if she loves me the same way. I think she hates me because I've been giving her grief. We've been fighting way too much. I can't believe it got to this point. Time flies so fast. I mean we were just getting back together and laughing and enjoying time together. Then BAM! right back to cuthroat.  i think she still loves me. 

This is why.

She saw that Elijah favors me. I miss the dude. And I bet, if I asked her to, she would let elijah hang with me for the day.Kayla and Isaiah don't like it when Tamika and I fight. Hell I don't either. But Kayla wore my eagles jersey so that means she wants me around only if I treat her mom right just like Isaiah. But man its not an easy task. Relationships are hard enough. Why make it harder than it has to be. Learn from the past mistakes and move on.

Tamika came out to the porch when I brought her stuff to her and she spoke to me. I know Tamika if she didn't want to talk to me she would've slammed the door in my face. Isaiah and Kayla were nosey, I think that they want us back together. Plus, for the first time, we didn't fist fight although I don't let it get to that point and I wasn't drunk so I'm automatically in a better mood than before. so cheers for improvement. Things are looking up.

Anyway, What was I saying?

Oh yea, Tamika wants me bad. After we have a heated arguement I want to fuck. So I most def had my 'Iwannafuckyouhard' look . Tamika was so holding back. Plus when I got close to her she just wanted her space. Tamika wanted to fuck she was just pissed at me. I stared her down. Plus its a turn-on for me when she walks away from me and I get her back, because it shows that she does submits to me. No matter how head strong she is. 

Wow. What the fuck. What a realization.

Touche. Hahaha.


The truth comes out in writing. I really should work on my patience. It does fucking pay off. And I can easily avoid migraine situations. But its hard to see that when I'm the first pov going through it, plus pretty much Tamika and I need to avoid pissing each other off. Instead of being po'd maybe lower it couple notches down and just deal with the little disagreements we have. Anger in our relationship creates chaos. But the disagreements we can talk over and get over. We both have 2 strong personalities. White flags have to be thrown at some point because it would be an ongoing war, when it doesn't have to be that way.

Plus. I don't want to be with anyone else. Although right now we have to separate because we are lousy with each other right now.And the only reason I mention seeing other people is because i want to remind myself what it was like to fall in love with her again.I want her to be in love with me again. Fall over, tripping , stuttering over her speech love, passionate fury. all that good stuff.

Tamika and I have a coomplicated history past relationship but we can make it. I found out what she was feeling. She's mad at me because she wants me to get over myself. Tamika loves me she's just pissed off at me. 
Give it time. Give it time. 

Plus Tonne likes me. even though I'm a bit skeptical about her at times. And I believe Tonne would put in a good word for me. Hopefully. Anyway do good things. Good things happen. Universal karmic law.

Well, I need karma to be in my favor so i can have my baby back in my arms soon

Goodnite Journal and godbless



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