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Seeing clearly right through you

 I see you.
All of you

Try your hardest as you might, to tear me down the very narrow and dark path you follow every fucking day.
I will not let you take me with you.

All fucked up and nowhere to go.
All stressed out on drugs and life don't know what direction from left or right.
Go find yourselves a fucking hobby than to take your misery out on me.

My mother and father.
Screw you.
Were you not sensible and thoughtful at the idea that when you have kids, its really not about your struggles and strife. Its about them.
Those little toes and fingers. 
They're  little bodies that admire you when you wake up and go to bed.
Fuck You.
I could have had a chance a great life before the night you unthoughtfully thought to conceive me or my brother.

Fuck my dad.
So angry and hurt. 
For what?
Deal with your problems. And don't take it out on my mother, my brother nor me.

You drunken buffon.
You narcotic addict. Don't act like you are my father or give me life lessons when you've passed your crisis.
I don't need you. Where were you when I did?
Absent. Gone.
Drunk, acting a fool.
And now today you come around
After so many had to clean up your mess
Must I digress, regress about the old times...
The memories I had were barely together.
I blame you for my influence and factor of all that anger consummed in me, that I harbored for days, years minute by minute was all from you!
Fuck you. 
For beating up my mother. A woman who loved you. Cared for you stood by you. As you self destruct.
All she wanted was for you to see her position. See through her eyes that her love for you was true.
But you damn fool
Couldn't see a muthafuckin thing.

My mom.
You've been there. And never left.
Maybe you didn't understand when I grew up and matured you misunderstood something about me.
I'm not your little girl.
For a little while I was. 
A doll for you to play with. Dress up and adore.
But not now and not today.
Mom I'm coming out.
I'm not gay. I'm pretty more complicated than that. 
I'm trransgendered. A ftm.
I'm taking hormones to transistion my gender from female to male.
Its not your fault. 
Its how nature made me.

I miss you mom.
I wish I could tell you about the times when I felt weak and not strong.
About the times when I've felt so alone and confused and just wrong. I wanted to run to you at the times I had the emotions in me. 
But you weren't there either.
You were consummed with work. I wanted to see you at my games more.
But you fell ill not just from my father's inflictions.
But from a disease that diseased your mind overtime.
You use to be fit, willing and able.
But all I see is your misery.
I'm sorry mom.
I know you can't do the simple things.
And I wish every day that you could.
But if you could see that if you looked up and not down.
Things would be improving. Better.
I can't heal you.
You have to find a way to do that yourself.
Thank you for the times you have been there. I appreciate you doing the best you could. And I know its tough and it feels like your not doing enough.  But mom understand one thing. No one could and never replace a mothers love for a child. No girlfriend of mine will.
I just hope mom for you one day to see in your heart, mind and spirit that you are strong.
More than just your illness.

Brother.
Spare me  a dime?
Do more and see more. 
You are a leo.
A leader. Just like me.
Do not submit yourself to such suffering. Don't follow our parents mistakes.
See life as a gift, and use your talents. Stop running around like a jackass. See your family as your strenth. Because those children of yours were in a position like ours.
Do something. Mean it.

Cousin.
You. Are. Improving.
Much best wishes. Stay strong. I see you. You are smart and intelligent.
Finish. 
So I'm able to look at you for strength.

Grandma.
I only wish I have aquire your skills, knowledge, and abilities that you have through life.
You are more than strong.
You are superhuman.
Thank You .
These words that I type aren't enough to describe your self.
You inspire me to do more.
And I'm honest from my heart thankful to be blessed with a grandmother like you.

Tamika.
I see you.
I see your heart. 
You might not be able to feel it at times, but I know that it still beats.
I know you've been through it.
I've seen your hurts.
Felt them as they were my very own.And,
I wish the days that i can take your hurts and burn them to set your burdens free.
Because I see your anger.
I see your mother's mistakes.
I see you cleaning them up.
Try as you might, you are strong.
More than just a look, baby you are a queen.
One of egypt.
 Pure and exotic. strong . 

Let those hurts go. Live and breathe. Stop the fucking cycle.
Because you have the chance. The opportunity of a lifetime to do something great.
Live your dreams. Live above and beyond that stressful and complicated life.
I miss you.
Fuckin everyday.
I miss our convos and hugs and kisses.
But this has to stop.
I can't love you unless you fucking love yourself.
I can't help you unless you help yourself.
I wish every. fuckin. day. that i had the superhuman power and ability to give you that strength.
But its not for me to give to you.
Its for you to find yourself.
I love you.
I'm in love with you.
But all that love I have for you is rendered usesless and valued zero unless
you see
 that 
you love
yourself.

I've got anger in me. Not for myself.
But for everyone else who is blinded by the wrongs and inflictions that have happend in there life.
You've got a chance.
An opportunity of a lifetime.
To do something great.
Live to breath easy.
It might be hard, difficult and complex.
Frustrating.
Confusing.

Stick to the fight.
Because a dream is on the line.
Life is short.
Accomplish it.
I love you.
each of you.
I want for you to do the best.
Be your best.
See past all these hurts and angers and complications and throw them away for good,
They hold you back from seeing and doing greatness.
I can give you love.
But you have to find love for yourself.

My memories

I think my crisis has passed.
Haha.

No, but seriously, I think it has passed.
I'm developing myself gradually. I'm not where I want to be, but I am where I need to be. I feel that I'm heading in the right direction over many years of being lost, confused, hopeless, angry.  This is me moving on. The past is done. Everything that I have experienced is there. Those experiences made me the person I am today. Through the agonizing defeats and struggle of battles I've matured.

I'm getting old man.

Not to say that I am old. I am getting older. The youthful days are over. Its now time for me to recognize reality for what it is. I've done what I can.  I've used the resources around me. But essential the main theme is I need to grow up. No more early twenties late youth that time has passed.  I'm sure and well aware of the people who experience that reality of been lost, confused, caught up, deranged, hurt, but thats not me.

Although I hope to bring the lessons I've learned from my past mistakes and losses, I cannot re-live my past. It happened its done. Its time to move on. I had a shitty childhood. That should not stop me from having a great life from now on. I recognize my dad and mom made mistakes and I lived there repercussions. But no longer do I need to be angry with them for that. I'm a responsible adult and I'm okay.  I'm not fucked up in the head. I can breathe and think easily.  I'm not in an insane asylum. Life is a blessing.

As for my ex?

I have so much to say and yet I can't find the right words. But I'm going to keep it simple.

I love you.
I still have a dream with you that one day, some day gets to be fulfilled.
But, until then, I know. I know that you have issues to workout.
But I want you to know from my heart to yours nothings changed.
Despite everything that we went through, my feelings are the same.

So, let the growing and more developed self-evolving of me continue.

Peace.Love. Blessings. 

yesterday I wrote this

 
This was by no means an easy gain. Its all about mind power and your approach to believe. Let me tell you , I am not a spiritual person. But I see a change in me to become one. I am not associated with a denomination. But I do believe there is a higher power.

My life has brought me to this very moment to believe and trust in that what is. I've always been a fighter , but I've had my losses ones that has brought me to my knees, crushed my heart and turned my thoughts against me. The mind is a powerful resource , but the heart that beats is filled with intention. 

You must understand the existence of the current state of the world today. People are living running on their emotions. We see killers, murderers, corporate agendas, money followers, thieves, cheaters, liars, manipulators, that try to rob us of our very core of are authentic selves. And in my experience we do get caught up. In what the man says, corporate sleezy agendas, government officials lying, the derails of faith. The majority of people don't know what to do. We believe in good, but get hurt  by doing what we were taught to do. 

Its not easy.

Life is difficult.

It gets stressful going day to day.  Each of us have incomplete pasts that follow us day to day that harbors in our shadows that thrives as actors of our personal demons. And admit it, we don't always win. When we get wronged, we become wronged. We become hurt, bruised and battered.  We give strength to past event, situation or experience that has taken control of our lives. I'm sure you've encountered a mean person in your life. 

That mean and cruel person wasn't always mean. But they became that way over time through the process of losing love for oneself. Maybe someone close to them, someone they confided in hurt them. And over time, the only way protect oneself was through a self defense.  By close, I mean family, friends, the government system, employers, our selves and even our faith.

And once your faith is rocked? What do you have?

"Don't trust anyone"
"I have me and thats all I need."


Valid. You have every right to act the way you have become. Cruel or happy. It your choice, its up to your free will. If you choose to be happy, you will think, act and behave happy. If you choose to be cruel, you will think, act and behave cruel. True. We are a product of our experiences. And time does tell our fortune. But life is too short to dwell, drag on with a restraining attitude.

Undoubtedly, the experience is a life lesson, a growing pain.

We read about it in the news, stories of a lifetime, historic tales of a growing potential being ripped apart by simple means of getting caught up in individuals motivations and personal agendas.I'm a firm believer that people are good.

Cool people

Writer's Block: Family Matters

What things do you know you can count on your family for?

To drive me nuts!

I gotta say...

Broken hearts.
Hearts broken...

It will never be the same. How you feel about that person. 
Love as it was, or still is
will be in your heart. 
Don't be hateful, angry, spiteful. 
Those emotions are stemming out of frustration.
Don't continue to torture yourself by choosing to suffer.

Your heart needs to heal. 
Love is the answer.
Uplift yourself by redefining yourself.
Find and focus on your true essence and being.
And most importantly, give the most undivided attention to loving yourself.

In other words, be a
narcissistic asshole, selfish conceited arrogant bastard,
and look damn good at it too.

Love is true, when it comes back to you.

Don't hold a grudge.
Let the love go.
Let it grow and mature and live.

What you truly treasure can never be taken away from you.
Go live.
Big.
Huge. 
Gigantic opportunities are waiting for you.

Discover your self, your purpose, and you will find meaning in love again.

Blessings and peace.

Moving Forward

 I've got to remain strong and keep my faith.  Thats the one thing in this world. Its so easy to get caught up into everything and lose the fundamentals about ourselves, virtues, morals, faiths, beliefs, and even dreams even.  So stay true and love yourself and each other. I know that there is a lot of bad out there. But the good, overcome. Always wins. Never fails. 

So stay positive.
Keep on loving. 

Remember that love is true when it comes back to you.  
My prayers to all and be bless with good intentions 
from my heart to yours.

Jun. 19th, 2010

The Good In Me

I feel it.
They're coming . They want what I have. They desire it. They see it hungrily. They want it so bad willing to risk losing their own sense of selves of what I own.
I don't understand.
Why are they so angry, so hurt,so cruel?
You hate me because why?
I can't give you something of what you have of your own. I can only show you A way.
You have to find your own.
It's not me that you want.
You want my heart.
My courage.My bravery. My solitude. My beliefs. My faith. My dreams.
Do you want my blood too?
I have no fears. I just want to leave this earth with no regrets. I fight for what I stand for. Even though I might lose.
I've got something called love.
I love you.
Each of you.
Your being is your only true essence.
So believe in yourselves.
Never give up.
Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.
Give love and never take.
Life is precious. Its truly a gift.
The past is done. The present is what you live for and the future... Possibilities are endless.
Don't hold yourself back. Give yourself a chance to fully breathe and appreciate the world around you.
There are a lot of bad. But the good overcome.
Patience, my friends for you will get what you ask assuredly.
Remember a heartbeat is a heartfelt. Love the ones that hate you because even they need love too. They need strength. They just can't find it.
They look at you and wish they had what you have.
Instead they opt to tear you down, but they won't win.
Because what you treasure can never be taken away from you.
Pray for them;
they need it.

Loving life right now

 Man,
Can i just say, I'm loving life right now.
I see a bright future with opportunities just waiting, calling my name.
And I can't wait to just take their hands and walk along beside them.
I 'll get to experience those precious joys and great worldly wonders,
and stick them in my pocket just to welcome more.
So life?
I thank you.
I didn't see it before. But now?
Oh, I see a lot. I see tons of wealth and riches, just in the palms of my hands.
I see the positive vibrations in all things around me.
That feels so good.
Because before, I really couldn't see much of anything.
I guess , what I'm truly seeing with my eyes is love.
love is in everything.